Proving Inferiority: When We Try to Prove We’re Unlovable & Push Away the Love We Crave.

When someone is convinced that they are bad or a failure, they will go to great lengths to filter out any incoming evidence that counters that belief. But even more heartbreaking, they will actively recruit others (who are attempting to counter their negative thinking) into aiding their efforts to build a case against themself. 

The deeply held belief that they are bad is so strong and compelling, entertaining anything positive that might disprove that belief, creates too much dissonance, cognitively, to hold.

So they push away, dismiss, minimize, or don’t allow any opportunity for countering evidence to come in. They may avoid experiences or relationships that could potentially perturb their negative self beliefs and may even actively engage in behavioral patterns that sabotage any progress--seeking out or engaging in ways that elicit responses from others that confirm their negative self beliefs. Often, unknowingly, compelling others to reject them or give up on them. The harder others may try to counter the negative self framing, the harder the individual works to to compel them otherwise. As if to communicate "Don't you see, I am unlovable. I'm not worth your time. I will only disappoint you. Give up on me," yet internally yearning for connection, belonging, and approval.

It’s not that they don’t want to feel better or more connected; it’s that feeling better is so unfamiliar and letting others in feels so risky, both experiences are seen as too scary to attempt; instead, they convince themselves they are not capable of either. Alfred Adler called this proving inferiority. 

This dynamic connects to another concept we call the central relational paradox, which is when individuals crave and yearn for connection (which is healthy and normal and evolutionarily protective) and yet are so terrified of rejection or hurt, they engage in strategies of disconnection—pushing others away, hiding parts of themselves, hiding their authentic self, avoiding vulnerability or true intimacy—all of which, paradoxically, leads to further disconnection and maintains their deeply rooted belief that they are not capable or worthy of affection and love from others. Over time, they don’t realize that they are condemning themselves to isolation and loneliness, pushing themselves further from the gifts and healing balm of shared humanity. Their sensitivity to rejection is so strong that they often don’t realize how they have numbed themself from the very thing they crave so intensely and that could heal them. 

This relational dynamic is heartbreaking to watch, especially if you are someone trying to break through those walls. Individuals may even punish you for trying to break through those walls. Your efforts toward connection and attempts to counter their negative self beliefs may be experienced as a threat. Any momentary feelings of connection (before readiness) may feel so unfamiliar and flooding, they will be interpreted as bad, and quickly dismissed as untrustworthy.

The longer the individual repeats these behavioral, relational patterns, the more ingrained the pattern becomes and the deeper and truer the beliefs feel. And each time they are successful at getting someone to give up on them, it further proves their beginning hypotheses: I am unlovable. I am incapable of deeper connection. I am a failure. I do not deserve to feel better. I cannot feel better.

However, humans are hard wired for connection, which means there is always hope for repair and growth. Once an individual feels so deeply low about themself and has distanced themself from connection, it can be a slow process of learning to be in relationship authentically and letting an other, in. Of micro-dosing experiences of vulnerability and intimacy. Allowing bits of oneself to be witnessed in the containment of a safe relationship. It can feel scary because it is intense, attachment oriented healing work and can’t be forced onto someone. They have to have some level of readiness and willingness and desire. But once they do, it is truly magical to witness. 

I know this pattern well because I used to engage in it and I used to feel broken; beyond repair. I used to self-sabotage and engage in strategies of disconnection because I was so scared of and anticipating recurring rejection & hurt. It was only through mutually, growth fostering relationships that I was able to begin believing that I was worthy of love and affection. That I could unmask and un-armor enough to show up as my full self and risk intimacy. It was a slow, gradual process over time. It’s not that the fear or sting of rejection has disappeared completely; it’s that I have greater confidence that I can weather it when it happens. I know now that:

Relationship fissures are inevitable.

Connection changes shape over time. 

Love comes with risk. 

If this at all resonates with you, I hope you can consider that some of the negative beliefs you hold about yourself, may not be true. That you are worthy and deserving of love and affection. That you are capable of being in authentic relationships. That there are individuals out there who won’t reject you or hurt you. Who can handle you. Who will love all of you and not need you to hide parts of yourself. That you are strong enough to risk being hurt again. That you deserve to be seen. You’ve already weathered hurt and rejection before—and though the pain of it may have convinced you that you can't possibly endure it happening again, you may not realize that it actually made you stronger and more capable and more resilient. 

You don’t have to remain isolated and alone and lonely forever.

Be brave. 

Let someone in. 

Let someone see you. 

Let yourself be seen. 

Maria Paredes is the owner and Clinical Mental Health Counselor Supervisor at Three Birds Counseling in Greensboro, NC. She believes ALL bodies have worth and that ALL individuals deserve to enjoy food, move in ways that feel joyful, treat their bodies with kindness and gentleness, and experience authentic connection with themselves and others. She also works with individuals experiencing anxiety, ADHD, trauma, depression, infertility/pregnancy loss, and PCOS. Maria teaches courses in UNC-G’s Counseling department and provides clinical supervision and training to new professionals working toward their licensure as therapists or dietitians. Maria is Mom to 3 young girls and hopes that they will grow up to experience the wonder and power of all their bodies have to offer, without believing they must shrink themselves.