I remember the first time my therapist told me to stock my pantry with binge foods—it felt so scary. It felt dangerous. It felt like I would never be able to stop eating. “I don’t know if you realize just how much I can eat. If I buy that much of all of that, I’ll...I’ll eat it ALL.” “Okay, then,” she said assuredly, “make sure to buy enough. Make sure to buy more than enough.” With her help, I began experimenting. Challenging myself. Giving myself full permission to eat as m

Having had an eating disorder is a significant part of my identity. I wish it wasn’t. I wish that I had never believed that my worth was tied up in my body size or appearance. I wish that I had never been taught to be ashamed of or to hide parts of my body and experience. That I had never fallen prey to the idea that the only way I could take up space in this world was to shrink myself. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and take away all eating disorders from those who su

Creciendo, recibí muchos mensajes sobre cómo se suponía que mi cuerpo debía verse. No muchos en como se suponía que debía sentirme. Estos mensajes fueron importados por muchas personas en mi vida: familiares, amigos, médicos, figuras en la televisión, revistas y en mis medios sociales. Aún más divertida fue mi realidad personal, recibía el doble de estos mensajes gracias a mis relaciones estadounidenses y colombianas. AY señor. En ambos países, aprendí que no importaba lo que

Growing up, I received so many messages about how my body was supposed to look. None how I was supposed to feel. I got these messages from many, many people in my life: family, friends, doctors, bullies, tv, magazines, and online social media. Double the fun was that I got these messages from two different countries- the United States and Colombia. Oh goody. In both countries, I learned it didn’t matter what my body wanted to look like, only what it should look like. The mess

Sometimes you've got to get upside down to see things right side up. Kind of like the process of healing your relationship with food and body. In a world that teaches that the only way for a body to be *good* is to be small and healthy (and white and heterosexual and cisgender and male....), it's hard to conceive that any other body is capable of being worthy. Were you a *good* learner like myself? I was a *great* learner. I lapped up all the many messages around me that taug